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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Is It REALLY Different Loving A Black Man (11/10/2010)

Let me first start by saying that I am NOT a relationship expert, or a professional in the love field. All I can do is speak on MY opinions, and MY experience. Now with that said........................

HELL YES!! The BIGGEST misconception we have is that loving a man is the same NO MATTER WHAT RACE he is. WRONG!

Now....I know this is going to be highly controversial for some of you....But the proof is in the pudding...or in history. Whichever YOU prefer.

There have been numerous books.....articles, and blogs written about this very topic, however I don't feel that they speak from a true perspective. Now, I'm not trying to make a damn guide for how to make a "sucka who ain't shit", into a "good man". It's about how to love a real black man...NOT a boy.

This is for those WOMEN, who seriously have a good man, and want to know HOW to love that man. Many of you will argue that loving a black man shouldn’t be any different than loving a man of a different race...BOTTOM LINE....IT IS!

If you are already offended.....Stop reading NOW.

We all know that black men are among the most degraded, browbeaten group of people in the world. During the slave era, men were emasculated in front of groups of slaves in an attempt to instill fear in those groups. Do you not remember that black men were once hunted for sport and strung from trees?

Now this, I'm sure is the part where some of you are saying, "SO! My MAN wasn't a slave. What does this have to do with NOW?"

It is imperative that we realize that our history has a psychological effect on our men. Brainwashing has happened to our men from early on. Maybe not every man, but several of them. Men have been programmed to think that certain characteristics make a "good man." Most of the time those characteristics are not being adhered to today. There is a way to get to the core of all of this, and experience the true joy of loving a black man....minus all the "extras".

Be a good woman to him...

I believe that these next four things are CRITICAL in truly loving your man:

1) Be his NUMBER ONE FAN! Not just when he's on top...but ALL THE TIME. When shit is going good....he'll get support from everybody and their mama. You may be his ONLY fan when things aren’t so good. (And trust me, it happens).

Now let me clear this up....Don't be stupid and support everything he does. You MUST hold him accountable for his actions. BOTH his successes AND his failures. If you are truly loving this man.... (ooooh) You know his dreams, talents, and probably know his potential BETTER than he himself does. Give him CONSTRUCTIVE criticism to reach his goals... (Don't belittle him, or knock him).Black men base much of their self-esteem on how well they perform in life. But their deeper self often hides their motivations, self-image and fears in a private place that they can’t or won't share with their partners.

2) ALLOW THAT MAN TO BE A MAN. (Now let me talk specifically to the sistah's on this one) LET HIM BE A MAN. Now....that does NOT mean...put up with all of his BULLSHIT. Just because you LET him have an ego, and pride, doesn’t mean you have to put YOUR ego to the side.


Let me make this clear...for those of you who like to take shit LITERALLY. This does NOT mean trailing behind him and forgetting who YOU are. It means holding his hand, confident in his lead, but ready to take on the universe when needed...side by side.

3) Learn to TRUST him until you SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I'll never forget an article I once read entitled "If you trust a black ought to be ashamed!" It was one of the most appalling articles I have EVER read. And we wonder why the stereotype exists about our men. It is our DUTY as HIS WOMAN to give to him what he DOESN'T get outside in the world. Often times it is TRUST.

Don’t make him pay for the hurt others have caused you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to love another human being without trusting him for something. Believe me, I know. If you have loved deeply, you have trusted deeply. With this, you have hurt deeply as well. Take a look at yourself. Are you jealous, or suspicious? Is it really the man NOW that you don’t trust? Hold him accountable for how HE is, not how someone else WAS.

4) Don’t be afraid to touch him. Even if you NEVER hear them say so, men cherish your touch. I’m not speaking of a sexual touch, but a gentle, caressing touch. Touching sends so many powerful messages to our man. It reassures, calms, sooths, encourages, and grants forgiveness without saying a single word. It lets him know that you are truly present with him. Your touch validates him, and in an instant, reaffirms the fact that he is precious in your world. Nothing that costs so little, has every yielded so much.

GOOD LOVE, and a GOOD MAN is always a beautiful thing…no matter what color man he is. But as women, we are so quick to judge our black man before we UNDERSTAND our black man. A good man is a better man with a good woman on his side. Period!!

It's not all about just loving' on this man, and expecting everything to be perfect! We have to take responsibility for how our brothas love and treat us. WE enable their bad, disrespectful behaviors. We don’t demand honesty and unconditional love. We ACCEPT, ALLOW, and FORGIVE too soon, all the while praying and hoping that he will become that man of our dreams, thus turning a blind eye to the man in our reality.

Get rid of the fear…fear of being alone, abandoned, talked about or hurt. We are wonderfully made, with power, intelligence, and strength that is UNSURPASSED.

Love your man with all of your being, and accept nothing less in return. Then, you can reap the true reward of loving a GOOD BLACK MAN.

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